You know something? I think I've changed a lot this year. Well ok maybe not A LOT. But quite a bit. For instance, I think I used to be more confident last year. As a person. I think I'm a lot less confident as a person this year. And I think it's cos of all the new environments I was put into this year. Twice this year I entered a new environment in which I knew practically nobody. The last time I experienced that, I was 7 and starting primary school for the first time. 7. That was 10 years ago. So for 10 years, I always knew at least one person who was generally always with me in my new environment. I guess I got too used to that. And I kinda took it for granted cos I never experienced anything else for 10 years. But this year made me appreciate that A LOT. Because this year when I entered new environments where I didn't really know anyone, I was lost. VERY lost. I didn't know what to do. Or exactly how to cope with it. I didn't really know what was acceptable and I still kinda don't. I didn't really know how to make friends very well. I probably still don't. You see, the thing is, I don't like to just join a group of people, it feels like I'm forcing my way into the group and feels kinda rude. So I don't. Maybe it's the wrong move when it comes to making friends but that's just how it feels. I prefer to wait to be invited into a group. I prefer to just make friends with one person first and then be assimilated into the group. If I'm even allowed to assimilate into it that is. And somehow that made me lose confidence in myself. Kinda. It made me start thinking, do people really like me? And prior to this year, I hadn't really thought that for quite a long time. To be specific I hadn't thought that since I was either P6 or Sec1. And I realise now that it was because I'd managed to reach a certain level of comfort in where I was so that I didn't have to care whether people liked me or not cos I knew, I knew for sure that there were people who'd like me no matter what and wouldn't judge me. That was why I didn't care. I didn't have to question myself if people would like me for who I was or if they'd judge me. My "don't care" attitude was not nonchalance, it was comfort. It was because I was comfortable. It was just me being me. But it somehow feels like I can't do that this year. I can't be like that this year. I can't have that attitude this year except with certain people. That was more so in the beginning, now I'm becoming more comfortable, but I'm still not quite there yet. I still haven't quite found my footing. I found it for a while, then I lost it again. And I'd really thought that once I found my footing, found this comfort and balance I wouldn't lose it so easily and so badly. But I did. And it kinda sucks. Part of me wants things to be like they were earlier this year. Part of me wants things to go back to they way they were in secondary school. But most of me knows that I wouldn't be satisfied if they did. I mean, if I were allowed to go back to live my secondary school days I'd only do it if I were to do it without all the experiences and knowledge I've gained this year. I crave the comfort I had in my habitats so to speak. I crave it. I'd love to have it again. I'd love to be able to go back to have it cos I don't know if I'll ever have that comfort ever again. Yet, as enticing as that comfort is, I don't want to go back. I don't want to lose all the experiences of this year because this year I found a different type of comfort. Not just that, I found that same comfort too though I lost it. That made me gain confidence and lose all it once. I know it's contradictory, but it allowed me to realise that I can find that comfort again though at the same time it taught me that that comfort can be lost again very easily so I really mustn't take it for granted. I need to cherish it. And I don't wanna lose that lesson. And I REALLY don't wanna lose the comfort I have right now. I love it and I treasure it. And well, in a way it's actually better than that other comfort though it's only with one person. It's a bit of an ultimate comfort, if you understand what I mean. And that just made me realise I was that comfortable in my environments because I loved all the people that mattered in those environments and all those people loved me back. And well, I loved the environments too. So love really makes all the difference. Oh and two things that people told me in the last two days made me realise that I really am a very transparent person. First was Fung telling me that I was very lost during the first few days of school. I didn't realise it was that obvious. I wasn't just lost for the first few days though, I was lost for the first block. Not academically, academically I was never really lost here. More as a person. Which is infinitely worse if you ask me. And the next would be Eugene asking me if I was going to just a friend's house or if my friend was more than a friend. I have no clue how he could tell. And I find it really intriguing that I am apparently so transparent. I mean, I know my face is quite transparent in showing my feelings but I didn't know everything was so obvious. I'd like to be able to see me through other people's eyes now and then, just to see how if I'm really that transparent. The Eugene thing, plus a few other incidences, also opened my eyes to the fact that I'm really not used to telling people that I have a boyfriend. Like TOTALLY not used to it. And I'm kinda shy, in a way, to tell people that I'm going to meet my boyfriend or something. I don't quite know why. Please don't take offense to it or anything though. You know something? I still can't tell which is the right offense/offence to use and when. AIYO. My english is becoming HORRENDOUS. But just so you know, I wouldn't give up the comfort I have now with you for anything. I don't even wanna die anymore and that is saying something. HAHA. Maybe one day I'll have both the comforts. That would certainly be blissful(: Oh and maybe that's why I apologise so much. I didn't use to. Or maybe I didn't realise how much I apologised cos I was around Shona so much. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no offense babe, I love you(: Cos I realise I have this thing where it feels like I have to be nicer, in a more superficial way(though this does not mean I'm being superficially nice), to people I don't know so well. I don't think you'll understand that. But I do. And for now, that's enough. So I'm just gonna hope and pray that someday soon I'll be able to have both comforts. This will do for now though(:

OK.THAT PROVES IT.I TOTALLY NEED TO GO INTO HIDING RIGHT NOW.I APOLOGISE,IT'S COMPLETELY NOT YOUR FAULT.I'M JUST IRRATIONAL RIGHT NOW.KILL ME.